and finally - my very own nasty outhouse story

My keys fell out of my pocket into the bottom of you-know-where. . . I went and got a pole, but after a few minutes, I could see that it was not going to do the trick. I asked the cleaning lady for help. She looked at me, unbelieving, but came to the outhouse and attached a very useful-looking wire hook to my pole - very loosely. Well, I thought to myself, surely from time to time they have to do this. Maybe she knows from experience. “Will it hold?” I asked, “You don’t need to tie it to the pole?” “No need.” she said and angled the pole into the hole. The hook slid off immediately, with a sickening plop. My keys sparkled at the bottom. The cleaning lady made a face and walked away. I went out to the sidewalk for some fresh air, hoping that my keys wouldn’t get sucked under too quickly. As I stepped on the path, the bell rang, and the seventh-graders poured out and swarmed me. “We missed you!” They said, and asked a million questions in Kazakh, with each step coming closer to me, so that about 6 of them were in physical contact. Janna, who likes to take my arm and work down to holding my hand, started off at my elbow. I made my hands unavailable by clasping them behind my back, like a socially awkward professor, and decided not to explain to them what I had been doing. Two 11th graders showed up. “Do you know how to get keys from the bottom of the outhouse?” I asked. “No,” they said, laughing. And walked away. But, bless them, they came back about 10 minutes later with a hook. We firmly attached the hook to the stick and began work. “I’ve got them!” said Manas, but he pulled up something that was definitely not keys. “Fooo!” He said, and spat. Whenever he said, “foo,” he spat on the ground, barely missing my head a few times during the following hour. The keys had begun to sink, and the ahem conditions meant that we couldn’t hear them anymore, either. So it took a while. But, bless him, Manas did manage to pull them up. I washed everything with soap and then vinegar and then soap again, then waited a few minutes and repeated the whole process. The End.